That’s how I became distracted.
I found myself looking up and getting further from the His Kingdom.
I became disoriented.
I became distressed.
I couldn’t see past the walls I had built around myself.
I had to keep everything together and within those walls.
I was overwhelmed and depression lingered all around.
I lost the vision for direction in my life.
How many lost their vision?
How many were so overwhelmed with the slithering, life stealing serpents at their heels that they could not look up past the sting of fear and failure.
I was trying desperately to keep it all together.
I was doing good deeds. I was working hard.
I was loving and serving my family, my friends, my church.
I was serving and holding and pursuing and romancing my husband.
I was teaching and disciplining and training and playing and blessing my children.
I was being a Proverbs 31 woman.
My ideals were not worldly.
My ideals were good and even God given.
I am called to do good. I am called to work hard. I am called to love and serve. I am called to pursue and romance. I am called to teach and train and bless.
My loss of vision resulted not in desiring to do those things well, but in desiring to do them all;
without grace, without guidance and for my own pride and glory.
I became disconnected.
Disconnected from God.
Disconnected from myself.
I disconnected, not because I had too many responsibilities in my life;
I disconnected from God, because I disconnected from my inner being.
I disconnected from who He created.
I disconnected from that girl of years past.
That girl who found pleasure in beauty and singing.
That girl who found meaning and truth in books that would take her
to centuries of old and places of wonder.
That girl who would write stories of what she was living and learning and dreaming.
I disconnected from the girl who longed to be a loving wife and mommy,
who would kiss and serve and hold for pure pleasure and joy and life.
I disconnected from that girl and I lost her!
I couldn’t even remember who she was.
I became someone else.
I didn’t have time for beautiful, I wanted order and perfection.
I refused to lose myself in a book while soaking in a bubble bath.
I didn’t have time for any of that.
I was too busy reading the stories in the lesson plans to write any,
let alone live any.
I didn’t want to play with my children or hold them.
I was irritated with their childish ways and tired of constantly serving them.
In all my desperate attempts to be and do and have,
I lost my purpose.
I lost everything I was created to be, everything I was created to do and everything I was created to have.
I walked away from my computer that day, because for the first time in so many years,
I caught a glimpse of everything I had lost and everything I was missing.
For the first time I questioned what I was doing and if it was worth anything.
I became paralyzed in fear.
The fear of what if…
And so there I was, 30 something and lost.
I walked away that day in complete fear and despair;
but by the Grace of my loving God,
He didn’t give up on me, even though I had given up on myself.
Tomorrow I’ll tell you a little more about that article and its life changing words.