It is funny how God works sometimes. How He can instantly change your life in moments, while at the same time He continues to mold you into who He wants you to be. And that process is long, sometimes it seems never ending and it definitely has hills and valleys.

At the end of the day, whether life changes in an instant or in months or even years, we have to learn to trust Him. NO MATTER WHAT.

I have spoken before about the process that God has been taking me through in these last few months. A process that has brought me to my knees crying out to Him, a process that has purged me and purified who I was.

It has been a very trying process and I have seen so much victory and I feel renewed and like a new person.

Amidst it all God was showing me so many things.

He showed me sins that I had in my life that had to be resolved and purged. Generational sins that were evident in my family that had to be broken. Sins of envy, selfishness, judgement, pride and fear.

He showed me that my desire to be “liked” was a sin. That it did not matter what people thought of me, only what God thought of me. Let me tell you, when He told me that I broke. I was so good at pretending and at being what I thought others wanted. It was exhausting me, but in my head I had to continue because that’s what people expected. He had to break me of such thoughts and evil desires.

Ultimately, He was teaching me to trust Him and He alone and to do that he had to renew my heart and mind.

You see all of these sins that I carried – envy, selfishness, judgement, pride, and fear – all of these sins were evident in my thought life.

I was worried as to how I would be portrayed or looked upon. I questioned the relationships I had with others, and I allowed my mind to think things such as, “They think they are better than me,” “they are only pretending to like me,” “They are judging me.” My mind would think such lies and I would almost believe them. My heart and mind were battling because in my head such things were thought, but my heart knew the truth. I did not have control of my mind. It controlled me.

And because of such thoughts, my immediate response was pride, judgement and selfishness. I could easily blame others for my resentment, but it was all me. I allowed my mind to believe the lies. Because though I may have believed such lies, at the same time I was also believing, “I am unworthy,” “I’m not needed,” “I’m useless,” and “no one cares if I am around or not.”

In the end, I was lonely, I was empty and I was in a pit because I allowed my mind to win and lies to overcome the truth and I had put myself there.
Thank you Jesus for loving me so much that you put me in fire, that you opened my eyes, that you cleansed me and purged me and made me new. Thank you for getting me out of my own pit.

I’m going to be very vulnerable and open, but I want you to know what God can do and just how perfect and awesome He is.

Amidst all of these battles I fought, for I have been battling such oppressive thoughts for almost 4 months now, well actually, for my whole life, and God specifically told me one of the reasons as to why he was taking me through this.

My son is amazing. He is just like his father in action and deed. He talks like him, he imitates everything he does, and even at this age you can tell the kind of personality he has and the kind of person he will most likely be like.

My son has a friend wherever he goes. He is so friendly and greets everyone in the grocery store and in the mall and people love him. He is already outgoing and active and friendly.

I am not many of those things. I am very friendly, but it takes me a little while to warm up. I had close friends, but didn’t like to be surrounded by people. I’ve changed a lot and I love being with my friends, but I still get a little nervous when there are lots of people around. That is not my son.

So…God told me that my son didn’t necessarily have those sins I talked about earlier. He may have to break some of them off, but they wouldn’t be the same for him as they were for me. However, my next child may have to work a little harder. And he said, I had to break them and change my heart and mind before I unknowingly filtered my fears and worries and pride and essentially, low self-esteem, into my other children.

In my secret of hearts, I want a baby girl.

I want pink and roses and ribbons and dresses.

But my head would say, I hope she’s not like me. I hope she’s outgoing and social and popular and beautiful. I always liked me, but for some reason I compared myself to everyone else and wanted to be and have what every one else had and was placing those thought onto my future children. Me, no matter how smart or fun I was, it just wasn’t good enough.

When God showed me what I was doing, I was heartbroken. I never realized how wrong I was, how selfish, how sinful. But, he brought me through.

I can say with confidence that I have control of my mind, mostly. There are times when I think things, but I immediately see the lie and speak the truth. And now I know that I am renewed and not who I was.

We found out on Saturday that I am pregnant.

We were not trying. Our plans said, summertime, but, to God, there are no oops, and He said my child will be born, “for such a time as this.”

Honestly, I was a little surprised. I knew before the test turned pink the truth, but I was a little afraid. I just started feeling like me, but I remembered all he brought me through and I realized, what better gift to have from my creator. What better show of approval and what better reward.

“Before I formed you in your mother’s womb, I knew you. Before you were born I set you apart.” Jeremiah 1:5

To all who are reading, no matter what you are going through, know that God has placed you, He has set you apart and He knows every bit of you.

I encourage you to allow Him to change your heart, to renew your mind and to mold you into what He desires. It is not easy, but it is so good. Ask your Father to open your eyes to your heart and to continually purify you so that you will be a child of excellence. It is a process, but it’s a good one.

“The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.” Psalms 126:3




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