No Longer a Wanderer
She is tenderhearted.
She is dramatic.
She is strong, but gentle.
She loves pink and flowers and beauty.
She can play by herself for hours imagining the day away.
She doesn’t like “itchy” things and she despises the color green.
She is my girly, girl.
She is my girl.
Her name means “God is with us,” and it was her birth that was a source of saving grace for me.
My pregnancy with her was difficult, not physically, but emotionally. In those nine months we suffered through 2 funerals within a month of each other to the day and a literal storm that caused a little havoc on our home and a lot of havoc on my heart.
Little did I know or understand at the time that the Lord was doing so much more with my heart and stripping away the control that I so desired and trusted in more than I trusted in Him.
When she was born, I thought, “Ok, we made it!”
I thought the storms would subside and everything would settle down and go back to normal.
Well, normal never really came back and this precious, sweet baby girl, who I had wanted so much…well, she was dramatic from the start!
Acid reflux, slightly colicky and post-partum depression was not a good mix for any of us.
She was beautiful and strong.
I was weak and fragile.
But, my God was with me throughout it all.
And I remember my mantra through out all of the turmoil…
“In Faith, I believe that God will walk me through this.”
“In faith, I believe…”
I had very little faith.
The guilt and shame I felt because of my lack of faith was overwhelming and probably more cause for my depression than anything else.
I had grown up in church all my life.
I believed in God with all my heart.
I believed in the one who could heal, who could move mountains, who could pierce hearts.
But…every thing always seemed to work out for me.
And in what I considered the first, uncontrollable trial of my life, I had failed.
I was drowning in my own puddle of pitiful tears.
I wanted so much to be stronger, but I was so weak.
I began to believe the voices that questioned how I could lose my faith so easily.
What kind of believer was I for letting go of the one thing that I was so sure of, at the first sign of a trial?
This was such a small thing in comparison to the trials so many face and yet, I could barely hold my head up.
My girl has striking blue eyes.
Beautiful, sky blue eyes.
A trick in her DNA.
She has eyes of light in a family of dark brown eyes.
In her eyes I see the promise fulfilled.
In her eyes I see His light.
In her eyes I see peace, despite the fear.
In her eyes I saw the beauty that surrounded me during the time of craziness.
I don’t know what kind of storm you may be walking through.
I don’t know if you are walking in fear or depression or loneliness, guilt…
But, beloved, I do know that the God of all creation and the God who can move mountains and pierce hearts is walking with you.
You may not know where your faith stands.
You may not believe that He is anywhere near.
You may want to give all this faith stuff up because it is too hard.
There is no guilt or condemnation or shame in that.
This life is hard. This life is brutal. There are certain things that tear at your heart and break you.
He knows that. He sees that. He is crying for you.
You may not know how to take that next step or where to go from where you’re kneeling and you may not have much faith left.
But, I encourage you, with the last drop of faith you may have…lift your head and say,
“In faith, whether this works out and whether or not I see or feel you God, IN FAITH, I will take one step at a time.”
In faith, I will believe in you, but Jesus, you\’ve got to help my unbelief.
I am tender hearted.
I am dramatic.
I am strong, but gentle.
I love pink and flowers and beauty.
I am His girly, girl.
I am God’s girl.
His name means, God is with us.
You are His Beloved,
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