I have a heavy heart.
These past few weeks I have had a very heavy spirit. I have been restless. I have been sensitive to everything. I cry over so many things…more than usual. I have been vulnerable.
And at the same time, I have been weak. Mentally and physically. I have allowed my mind to wander and overtake my emotions and my feelings. I have allowed my mind to gain control once again. I have been needlessly defensive and insensitive towards others as part of my own messed up defense mechanism.
This past week…no, for the past few weeks, I have felt as if all God brought me through at the begining of the year was in vain. All those same rush of insecurities came over me once more and they have been building on each other. I have felt fake and insecure in every surrounding. I felt like I was back in square one.
As I said, this had been building. It didn’t just happen. It had slowly been overwhelming me again. And you would think I would do something about it. You think I would see myself cowering and fight or speak truth or something.
Honestly…it’s like the enemy knew all that we would be dealing with this month and he just pushed or saw how vulnerable I was and took the cheap shot and I had nothing.
It’s my fault. Have I prayed about this? Desperate prayers…maybe. Have I read the word and fought back? No. I took it. I took the shot and fell.
Worse…I put up crazy defenses and in the process hurt a friend.
And I know we are fine. I know we’ll be great. But I am so angry at myself because I could have been on my guard. I could have guarded my tongue and my heart. I was vulnerable and instead of reaching out I struck another’s feelings. It hurts. I might even venture to say it is hurting me now more than I hurt her. My mind is allowing it to all fester and I have to find the will to fight it.
But honestly…my heart has just been so heavy and tired. I need strength.
“Father forgive me for hurting my precious friend. Forgive me for not forgiving myself. Forgive me for being weak. Forgive me for putting up a wall and falling to the lies of the enemy. Forgive me for not having control of my mind and of my tongue. Forgive me for not holding on to you. Forgive me for having to learn these lessons over and over again. Give me strength. Mend my heart and continue to transform my mind. lighten my heart and spirit. Comfort me. In your precious name, Amen.”