And it hurts.
You know it; you’ve heard me say it over and over again. And in that you have come to understand in your own precious head that therefore, mommy is too busy to play Barbies.
I smile down at her through my hidden tears and say yes, because ‘God, what’s the point of being with my children day in and day out if I don’t take advantage of the time you have given me and put aside all the to do’s and just simply sit and watch and play and party with Barbie?’
Her face lights up at my yes and she gathers her dolls and we sit and play and pretend.She makes me laugh and I tell her I love playing with her.She hugs me and says, “Thank you for playing with me mommy. I know you have a lot to do, but I love when you play with me.”She notices everything.
Every.Thing.She is sensitive and bright and see’s all my shortcomings and truths and it scares me to no end because I can’t hide any of my mess from her observant blue eyes.I reply, “Baby, all I have to do can wait. I will play with you anytime.” She hugs me and goes on her way.Does she believe me?
Do I believe me
“Mommy hold me. Mama sit,” she says. I oblige, for just a second. She cradles herself in my lap, my ‘no longer baby, but not quite a big girl.’ Her dingy pink blanket in her arms and her thumb in her mouth, she places her head on my chest and we watch Elmo.
A text comes in, I pick up my phone to read it, push send and then see an email notification. I click the mail tab and she takes the phone and says, “No phone mama,” and puts the phone down.She’s right. The email can wait because she’s no longer a baby, but not quite a big girl and will only be so for another minute more.
She wants me.
All of me.
And she’s worth all of me.
Everything else can wait
In its stead I find half grown children who need me less, but want me still.
And I can’t wait or slow down or blink, because it too will be over soon.
How will I say yes more?
3. I’ll say yes even when I don’t feel like it. They are worth it, no matter how tired or stressed or busy. And tonight, more than likely, no one will wake up and I will be able to rest well because those days are slowly passing away.
I will take hold of these days now. I’m finally figuring out that time does fly and kids do grow up and seasons shift and change. It’s a fact and it’s true and it hurts.
Sometimes you need to say yes more than no. Sometimes yes makes a huge difference and that yes to playing Skylanders, even though it bores the daylights out of you, softens a heart and connects you and yours.
“Mommy can I have chocolate milk?” she asks in one of her daddy’s shirts with hair still wet from her bath.
“No, its time for bed.”
She walks away dissapointed.
Why didn’t I say yes?
I get her My Little Pony cup and pour in a little milk and a bit of chocolate and stir.
I take it to my bedroom where her daddy is brushing her wet curls.
I hand her the cup and she looks up at me delighted and says, “But I thought you said no.”
“I did, but I love you, so I said yes instead.”