I was frustrated and angry.
Frustrated with the situation. Angry with myself.
If I was better…things like this wouldn’t happen.
If I was more…
I was sneering at everyone who wasn’t helping.
I was harsh with everyone who was.
As I was frantically trying to find the lost, misplaced object I heard a little voice behind me:
“Mommy maybe we can look for something else…”
“No,” I said, hastily cutting her off, “we can’t. Just leave me alone, I don’t need your help so just get out of my way.”
As soon as the words left my lips I felt the sting.
I had struck. Hard.
Immediately I saw the hurt look as she quickly turned and ran off.
I didn’t call after her.
I didn’t apologize.
I kept looking for the lost item and sank within myself.
I became the worst version of me.
I had let my own insecurities and frustrations take over.
Instead of being compassionate, I was harsh.
Instead of being loving, I was mean.
Instead of being patient, I was easily angered.
Instead of being gentle, I was callous.
My sweet little girl, I wish I could tell you about mommy’s flaws…
Mommy is selfish. Sometimes mommy would rather not…sometimes she would rather not make 3 meals to serve and sometimes she would rather not clean up after everyone and sometimes she would rather not…
Mommy is scared. Sometimes…many times, mommy is scared of what she is called to do, of all the times she has messed up and of not being enough. Scared of failing…again. Sometimes mommy cowers to the what if\’s and staggers through the day.
Mommy is insecure, so she tries so hard to get it all together and in the moments when she doesn’t…she stumbles. Hard and face first.
But God’s truth…baby girl, God’s truth is what you have to hold on to.
God’s truth is what will bring us together.
God’s truth is what will help you and I heal and grow and love despite the flaws and imperfections.
God’s truth covers all my flaws. God\’s truth makes me pure and brave and enough.
I wish I could tell you it won’t happen again.
I wish I could guarantee that mommy won’t be mean again.
But in those moments when I forget the truth, my darling little girl, help me to remember.
Be my gentle reminder of truth as I look into your soft blue eyes that are filled with
light and song and imagination.
The truth is that You are worth it.
You are worth serving and loving well.
You are worth all the scared.
You are worth all the callings and the failed attempts.
You are worth all the fears of what if and not enough.
You are worth all the insecurities and the stumblings.
And because you are worth it…
I will serve you and love you until my dying day.
I will do what I am called to do…and if I have to, I\’ll do it scared.
I will walk this path I am on no matter how many times I fall or fail.
I will face the fears and pray that God will fill in the gaps.
I will rise up every time I stumble…again and again.
Today and everyday I will choose Jesus and, therefore, I will choose you.
Today I will call you to my arms and rest in both His and your forgiveness.
Today I will take the hurt and pain I caused you and hold you and kiss you and love you well.
We will mend. We will bond.
He will sustain us.
He will cover us.
He will make us better.