A few years back I was lost.
I had forgotten who I was, what made me the person I am. I forgot what I loved and what I needed. I was so consumed with trying to survive life that I wasn’t living life. I was overwhelmed with all that I thought I was suppose to do. I was overwhelmed with the kind of life I wanted to lead and the kind of children I wanted to raise, the kind of wife I wanted to be and I was drowning in my own ideals
I had lost my love for living, my passion, my purpose.
I was just getting by. Dealing with whatever life threw at me, day after day.
That’s the worst kind of living.
Fruitless, loveless, meaningless wandering.
They say all who wander aren’t lost. Perhaps.
The trouble is that those who wander maybe seeking the next grand adventure when the truth is we don’t have to go looking for adventure, adventure and journey are happening all around us; but, we are so caught up within ourselves and our fears and our insecurities and yes even our shame that we lose out on the journey within our own two feet.
The adventure that is marriage, raising children, pouring yourself out for others, giving of all of your hopes and dreams, of all of you gifts and talents and passion, that is pure and simple adventure. Not knowing how you are going to be needed and used today is adventure.
Honestly, my greatest fear is to lose myself. To forget. To wander aimlessly.
I’ve lived that life and I don’t want to go back.
I’ve come to realize that God, in all His greatness, created me for more than I can imagine. It may not be grandiose in the eyes of many, but it is beautiful and unique.
I am the wife of an amazing man who loves God. Who is honest and humble, a hard worker and who sees life so clearly and fearlessly. I get to see his love and struggle first hand. I get to be a part of his life, his callings, his desires. I get to see him worship God in all that he does in a way no one else in the world can. I am not lost in that.
I am the mother of 3 incredibly unique children. They are lights. Pure glory is in their hearts and lives. Their ways, thoughts, love astound me. In them is grace. I get to teach them, disciple them, love them, tuck them into bed and kiss their hurts away. I get to have those first deep conversations that mold their thinking and perspective on this world. I get to cheer them on and teach them to fly and then let them go further than I have ever imagined. I am not lost in that.
I get to keep my home. To create a place of going home to. I am the one who lights the candle, who makes them aromatic meals that spur their hunger and comforts them, who cares for the needs of all who enter in, who breaks the bread and beautifies. I am the one who calls them home to rest and live in a place of peace and safety. I am not lost in that.
I am not lost in any of these things. I am purposed. I am found.
I fill my life with these loves and in return I am filled with more passion, more burden, more calling for the things God has placed upon my heart. I find who I am in Jesus who has placed me and embraced me and leads me.
I no longer wander or fade, I thrive.