I’ve put aside this blog for a while because, to be honest, I haven’t had much to say.
I felt a little overwhelmed, a little insecure and well, I was totally flailing. I hadn’t heard much from God and really, I wasn’t listening. I was too busy. Too tired. Too undone.
Plus, there has been so much noise. Unfiltered sounding gongs. I honestly haven’t wanted to contribute to the noise. I haven’t wanted to use my voice or words and I fell into believing the lie that more words were useless and they didn’t matter. Who wants to hear about my little struggles or lessons or motherhood fails or desires? The world has been on fire in every aspect and so what difference does my life make in any of these things.
And so I have been quiet.
Disobedience, even in the smallest of things leads to separation from God. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it slowly fades and you realize that something is missing. So you begin to fill and work and try. You strive In your strength, in your human ways, only to realize you are more tired, more weary, more uncertain.
When God placed this blog in my hands a few years ago it was beautiful. I fluorished in my writing and mostly in my relationship with Him. I thrived.
It was hard, but it was good.
I depended on Him to give me the words. To speak through me. There was authenticity because He filled the pages. The funny thing is, in these last few months, I didn’t stop writing. I wrote so many pages! I just stopped sharing. I became the servant with the talent who buried it. Insecure, uncertain and believing in lies more than in desiring to please God.
When we bury our talents, when we hide, when we get scared and don’t use the gifts He gave us for His kingdom, we wither. @beautifulcraziness
And I withered.
And then, I did what I do best; I isolated myself, I cried, I lost myself on facebook and watched hours of Netflix. I disengaged in life so I could disengage my heart, even for just a bit.
I didn’t feel like feeling. I didn’t want to care. I wanted to just get by for a little bit. I didn’t want to worry or pray or trust or do anything. I believe in my soul that we weren’t create to simply get by, but to be extraordinary, yet I was at a place where I didn’t want extraordinary. I wanted to just get by.
Have you ever seen a fig tree? We use to have one at our old house and it overwhelmed the corner of the yard. The leaves were large and a deep, dark green and it’s fruit was a deep pink and in season it would grow so many figs that the leaves and branches would dip so heavily toward the earth.
But when it wasn’t in season and when winter came, the leaves wouldn’t fall, they withered within themselves and would become small and brittle and the fruit as well, wrinkled and dried out and fell to the ground.
In Mark chapter 11 we read of Jesus going to the fig tree. “The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.'”
Jesus expected fruit from the fig tree. He expected that a fig tree full and “in leaf” should give of what it was created to give. In the same way, Jesus expects fruit at every season of our lives. He expects us to use our gifts for his kingdom always. It was what we were created for.
God calls us to many things throughout the many season of our lives. He has given each of us gifts, places, ministries, callings to do good kingdom work.
We do not know the outcome of how or when He plans to use our gifts and we do not know how any of it is going to work, but we do know that when God asks us to bear fruit, we better be bearing fruit!
I don’t want to hide and wither away holding on tightly to God’s truth and never share it. The story he is writing in my life is not mine to keep, but it’s God’s story and I must use it.
My greatest desire should be to please God and nothing or no one else. Nothing else matters, therefore, I will keep walking, encouraging and adding my voice, not to the cacophony of this world, but to the sweet harmony that is filtered by the power of Jesus.