I am laying in bed next to my husband playing a game on my son’s ipad. I could be doing 500 other things, but this is what I have chosen to do.
I haven’t written on this blog in over two weeks. I haven’t written much of anything in over 2 weeks. Just some blurbs here and there that haven’t evolved into anything worth saying mostly because I am so very tired and worn out. Seriously WORN OUT.
For the past few weeks my husband has been sick. And it has taken it’s toll on me mentally and physically.
And I’m lonely.
And I’m sad he is hurting so much.
And I am tired.
We put the kids to bed and he has just enough energy to do his routine and I come down and he is in bed, tired from the days work and the pain from the illness he is recovering from and he quickly falls asleep.
I’ve spent my day playing with the kids, going on nature walks, planning our summer vacation, reading poetry, making meals and cleaning up.
All of my energy has gone into being mom today. In the evening when my husband came home, honestly, I was annoyed with him. Annoyed before he even walked in the door. Not because he has done anything wrong, simply because I’m tired and overwhelmed and I have no one else to blame but either him or myself and I choose him.
When those I love are sick or battling trials and hard times I get vulnerable. I get scared.
Honestly, my husband, he’s my safety net. I rely on Him.
Yeah, brutally honest, I tend to rely on him more than on Jesus.
Not because he can serve me or help me more, but because I feel safe with him. It doesn’t take a lot of faith for me to trust my husband. I know many of you reading may not feel that same way and for that I am sorry.
These times when I have to cast my cares on God and lean on Him rather than the man He gave me, I feel vulnerable. I get scared. I get lonely. I get insecure.
Why is leaning on God so hard?
Are all these trials simply a stretching of my faith and dependence on Him? Yeah, I know the answer. I do. I know the answer, so why haven’t we passed the test already? Because I want to just give in and give up. I want it to be over and to move on. I want to get on with life and enjoy it, instead of trudging through it. It’s been a month of up and down sickness for my little family, from stomach flu to fevers to viruses and yet it feels like forever.
This is probably how the Israelites felt in the wilderness. “Why have you brought us here to die!!! We were better off in Egypt!” We quickly judge them and think they are spoiled brats complaining of freedom and constant miracles and yet, here I am after a month of weariness and I want to turn my face to God and say, “Why are we still walking through this…life was better when everyone was happy and healthy.”
And I hear in my heart, “I didn’t call you to be happy and healthy. I called you to be faithful and strong.”
To “count it all joy…” sigh.
Is this making me stronger Lord? Am I building up endurance? Because God, I feel really weak. And I just want to run away. I want to throw my hands up and say forget it.
But there are some truths I can’t forget.
I know these truths about my God:
You are worth it.
You are faithful.
You are strong when I am weak.
You are good in the midst of failure.
You hear my prayers.
I am not alone.
There are piles of messes all around me. And I’m a mess in my mess. I sit in an unmade bed with sheets rumpled from the night before and clothes are in piles and medicine and oils fill the nightstand. A lack of energy and signs of restlessness and sickness prevail. The television is flickering on a blue screen. I stare at it blankly, lost; and my eyes closes sleepily. Shades of blues are moving across the screen. Dark blues and light blues. The dark tries to overpower the light, but the light pulls through and pushes the dark blue off the screen and the screen continuously fades in and out with light and dark.
When life is hard I have to remember that the light is fighting for me and it is pushing against the darkness. The darkness can not win. In fact, it has already been overcome.
I simply have to be still..
Know that HE is God. (Ps. 46:10)
A God who never slumbers nor sleeps (Ps. 132:4)
A God who is my strong tower where the righteous go into and are safe (Prov. 18:10).
Do I know that? I am safe. Do I believe that? Really believe?
My little girl cries in the middle of night in terror of her imagination. The window is scary. The light is casting shadows in the darkness. But that light baby, that light is good. That light shines bright for you. And I rock her and calm her down. I remind her that she has “power, love and a sound mind” (2 Tin 1:7) and I whisper gently, “you are safe, baby girl, you are safe.”
My mind may be tired, but it is sound.
My love may be weary, but God is in me and He is love. (1 Jn. 4:16)
I may be weak, but I have power made perfect in weakness.(2 Cor. 12:9)
I kiss my husband goodnight. He doesn’t stir. I pray over him. I still feel lonely and vulnerable and yes, even weak. I take a deep breath…I pray for strength and grace for tomorrow. And I am thankful, because really, there is so much to be thankful for.
Count it all Joy.