I have sunk rather low.
It is sad. Pathetic. Kinda gross.
Today I ventured out with my son to Wal-mart.
Let me say that though I am not completely against the store, it is not my favorite place to go. I like the low prices, I like the fact that I can get batteries, sippy cups and cereal all a the same place. I hate thier produce, I hate that even if I am looking for just one thing I still spend an hour there and I hate that it is rather far from me so I have to make a whole list of things in order for me to justify that I need to go over there.
But, today was one of those days. I made a list that included batteries, underware for my son, a back pack and lunch box for my son and a surge protector with a long cord.
I was having one of those scrub days. I woke up tired and achy and I feel like I have grown in the last hour.
I finally got out of my pajamas and put on a ratty t-shirt and some gauchos. I did take a shower but did not bother with my hair, I merely pulled it up in a pony tail with all my wisps sticking out. And so with no makeup on I put crazy in the car and we headed out.
On my way over I contemplated on putting on atleast some foundation and blush but this time laziness won over vanity.
You must understand that it is rare that I go out without makeup. I was taught at a young age that that just is not done. My mother always looks great and one of my friends once told me I always look so well put together. It is a vanity thing. It is a pride thing. It’s not a good thing. I have come a long way, for in the past I would never had ventured out like this unless I had dark sunglasses on. What can I say, my confidence sometimes resides in my outward appearance.
So on my way to Wal mart I am vainly praying I don’t see anyone I know there. And fortunately, I don’t.
And of course, I fit right in. Everywhere I looked I saw people with no make up, too tight pants, muffin tops and grown women wearing t-shirts with tinker bell on them.
I wish I could tell you my lack of “put togetherness” was liberating, but it wasn’t. Fortunately there are very few mirrors in walmart. But, it is nice not having to put on the mask, even the oil free, spf 15 kind every once in a while. I’m a work in progress and maybe someday I will have the courage to go to Target as carefree…but I always see someone at Target.
“Father my vanity gets me in trouble so many times. It’s almost as if that vanity and pride are etched in me and you are the only one who can either mold it away or fill it with something else. Please continue to do a good work in me. I get so far and then I fall so many steps back…it is frustrating and so annoying! Thank you for not giving up on me and atleast teaching me to laugh at myself. In your precious name, Amen.”